I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
