gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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