cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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