I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
