just tell him i said nine months
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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