Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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