I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
