Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize