Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
