dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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