the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
