he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
