I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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