My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I stole a fireplace last night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
