i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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