I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
