ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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