Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So many bounce houses so little time
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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