oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
