you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
