I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
