I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
