I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
