Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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