Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
