Swine flu is the new snow day.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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