Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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