I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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