Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
