After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
