dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
