I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
