I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
