There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
