Will you blow on my dice?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
