so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
