I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
