apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
