I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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