They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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