Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
