doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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