In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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