i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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