i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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