Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
