I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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