Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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