Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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