K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The police scanner is talking about you again....
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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