remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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