he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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