You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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