its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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