At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
