Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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