Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry about my life...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
