Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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