the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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