Little spoons don't ask big questions
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Rumble strips road head = magical
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
