He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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