Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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