Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
