im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Randomize
