I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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