Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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